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Monday, July 02, 2007
This is going to be the last of my entries on this blog unless unforseen events arise.
As of today, I will be moving myself forcibly to Blogger at http://ecarriedawae.blogspot.com/ Although the carriedawae isn't meant to be literal.
Hopefully, i can recharge myself and start writing thoughtfully when i start uni.
Posted at 06:40 pm by indepth
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Saturday, April 28, 2007
I'm going to spend the last 3 months before the start of my uni and the eventual start of my working life as meaningfully as i can.
Honestly, I cannot imagine working for life after this. Without break, without long holidays and in the same kind of thing for years and years. No wonder they say your study years are the best of your life.
After working for over 3 months, i can finally appreciate what they mean. And to think that last time, in what seemed like a very distant past, i was hoping very much to leave school and to start working. When in fact, school gives me the most freedom to do the things that i want to do without having to worry about earning money or ...well, basically earning money. and being a responsible adult.
In the coming 3 months (of which 2 will still be spent working)
1) Compile my poetry collection.
Regretfully, Really Really regretfully, i've lost most of my poems when my old computer crashed. I'll have to find as much as i can from the few that i've uploaded online and some others which i have printed and this time, i'll print a very nice collection and make it into a nice folder along with my other personal essays.
2) Start my book again.
Again, as i've said, i've lost the 4 chapters that i had worked on during my secondary years when my computer crashed. May be i should be glad, because if i looked back again, i'll probably make a lot of changes. But it's only when I started writing that i understood how taxing it is to write. And since the day i lost my book, i have not had enough motivation to restart and rewrite all the things that i have typed. What has changed now? The plot for one. The plot has changed enough that it won't feel like i'm forced to retype my previous story like it was some punishment that i have to undertake. Secondly, i also realised, it's now or never. Admittedly, the plot isn't very satisfying to me at the moment. I am beginning to think that it's kind of weak and well....basically jumping everywhere, trying to deal with everything but failing to capture the things that truly matter. Basically, it just seems sort of shallow and still lacking the true "heart-felt" substance that matter. I want to write about philosophy, about life, about journies, about love, about death, about science, but i realised, i don't know enough of the things that i want to write. My character has to go through them all, but ...I havnen't. And i think that is where the problem comes in. Still, i have convinced myself that it is better that at least i start where i can so that i'll have something solid to hold on to...not like it's just some distant dream that i keep pushing to the future....like people saying, before i die, i want to have done XXX until ....the day they die basically.
3) try something i've always secretly wanted to try.
Well, i suppose i haven't exactly told anyone before. Because it does seem like a rather stupid dream. The kind of things that i would say is immature to have if it was someone else. I've always wanted to join a singing competition. I've always wanted to act a solid role in a full-length drama production. and i've always wanted to try modelling. =P there. *I'm waiting for lightning to strike*
Probably my mum will if she sees this....
4) go for er....hm... well...e****** *****ing
whatever. Nobody else has to know this. i know....that's all that matters.
5) visit singapore =) like a tourist would
Take a trip around singapore town. In 3 days...Include: 3 museums at least, chinatown, little india, ...and such places. Fort canning park....etc. flea markets.
6) physical training
i havent' exactly chosen, either 10km run, 50laps swimming, aerobics n abs training and a rountine or ...i have 1 mth to really train myself since i'll still be working for may/june. Those will be just warming up mths.
7) Finish the following books
1) Living Philosophy
2) The Elegant Universe
3) A book relevent to my uni course (I REALLY REALLY HOPE I GET INTO MED SCH....)
4) Actually, i had more...but the list is currently not with me. I'll update it in later on. Writing down your aims make it so much more motivating to get it done.
and of course there are more... smaller aims. =)
Posted at 10:52 pm by indepth
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Monday, December 26, 2005
I hoped when in doubt
and doubted in my hopes
put my faith in dreams
but feared faith was but a dream
I found chances in darkness
and saw darkness in chances
Still, i lived to dream
and dreamt to live
found joy in life
and life in joy
Saw this with clarity in the confusion of living
and confusion in this seeming clarity of life.
Posted at 08:17 pm by indepth
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
i said sth about philosophy didn't i...
Obiviously, i didn't know what i was getting myself into.
last time i was at the preface, after a few days i'm still only 1-2 pages ahead...
talk about twisted minds...
for a sample of the mindboggling page that i was spending the last 1 hr trying to figure...
well...may be i'm just not used to reading these kind of stuff, may be i'm just stupid.... but..nuts!
haiz. i can't bring myself to proceed unless i know exactly what i am reading, but the truth is, most of the times, i'm so lost that i don't know how to read on....i keep trying to phrase it in different ways so that i know that i know what i 'm reading....but it's hard..it's hard man.....
go figure. and tell me what i'm reading will u....
...More generally, facts obtain independently of the mind, unless of course, they are facts about the mind. But even if they are, they are objective in that they obtain independently of beliefs about them. Even beliefs about the existance or character of some belief are true only if they depict the belief as it independently is.
A belief is true if the proposition believed is true, but what makes a propositon true is not our believing it (sounds ok up to this point...). Although true belief is necessary for knowledge to exist, what makes the belief true lies outside the belief itself. A belief is true if the propostion believed is true, but what makes a propostion true is not our believing it... (took me another read...but still, so far, i can follow...but i can't for the love of my life recall it once i've left this page) Rather, the proposition is true if and only if what it asserts or claims to be in this case is in fact the case (RIGHT....). For the truths about these states are (like all other states) dependent upon what these states actually are, rather than from our opinions or beliefs about htem.
actually, not that i've typed it out, it doesn't seem so bad....may be i just was in a bad mood just now..haiz. but it sure got some wierd structures.......i heard lawyers speak like this too.
Posted at 09:28 pm by indepth
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Monday, December 05, 2005
Oh well, back from thailand trip.
and i was rushing the SRP report. so didn't really have a chance to write much
or to think
or to read.
i'm really starting on philosophy...the first book on how to start philosophical inquiry....=)
i got lost at the preface
oh yeah. i'm the kind of person who read from the forewords, preface, acknowledgements onwards....
only, i don't read what comes after the last page of the content...sometimes i even skip the last chapter if i get too bored. or if i really hate the book, i skip every chapter after the first... =) was going to try to write a poem
but getting a bit thin on content/ ideas/ feelings. can't go much beyond the mildly contented feeling that i have as i feast on all kinds of food every day and snuggle up in bed with some fantasy tales or romance. Sickeningly idle life.
but then again. hope to break out of that cycle soon.
borrowed an illustrated book on european history tt tells a very simplified version (much watered down actually) of the history of europe thru pictures/ art/ from the past. nice....
and i borrowed a serious book...... the kind of arty/ literature book tt wins awards...(read: depressing and too realisitic for my liking...) but then again, i chose that based on a favourite author, so hopefully, it'll help to encourage me to read it.... Dorris Lessing. I'll never get over Mara and Dann... it was the best kind of adventure book of children left to their own devices for survival..the typical journey to self discovery...(walkabout style if u know wat i mean.) but then again, i tried the same tactics once. ...with another of her book.the golden notebook, about some feminst thingy...never got past the first 2 pages before i go back to the easy way out of reading romance. it's getting sickeningly boring actually. must look for some nice adventure tt will make me cry. or feel. but i still don like real life.
i managed to squeeze in some swimming last sunday. whole body aching....and very dark. hope to go back soon. haven't swam in a year. love the feel of floating in water.....i love swimming with my eyes closed....tt's why i'm a hazard to young children who are learning how to swim. i kicked loads of ple......and nearly get drowned each time turning back to see if they get injured. so sorry guys, if u ever come across ple who kick you in pools. my apologies turned into guggles of water...it wasn't intentional.
I'm reading oscar wilde too.a woman of no importance. i read that once before in sec3. I'm going to read it again. LOVE HIM. really really love him. (like i said before, glad he is a gay...otherwise, that guy could charm me off my feet.... provided i only read his works and don see him) if only i could write the way he does.....
Posted at 07:39 pm by indepth
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Monday, November 21, 2005
This is a poem my friends gave me
Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, >>
she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.
My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.
"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far
You see he was a policeman
and died just past 4 years
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away"
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.
I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.
Posted at 09:01 pm by indepth
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Sunday, November 06, 2005
...i'm one truly remarkable lady....=)
i'm not going to say anymore...oh man......otherwise i'll simply float up to the clouds....
me and my ego...
but then again...i'm truly one remarkable lady...and a remarkable ego has to go with it.
Posted at 06:25 pm by indepth
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Friday, November 04, 2005
i said i was going to write 2 days ago, didn't i?.....well...i didn't manage to write
and i said i was going to observe the world around me, didn't i? .... well....(or not very well) again...i didnt' manage to do it.
Actually, i'm amazed at myself. i think it was not long ago that i found alot of joy in watching people and watching what happens around me. There was much to take pleasure from - the trees, the breeze, the sky, the grass, the footsteps...i loved to observe nature. And then suddenly, one day, i told myself to rediscover that joy, and i realised i couldn't feel the same way anymore. Maybe i was the one who changed, may be the environment was the one that deteriorated...but i feel stifiled trying to breathe in the polluted air. i feel disgusted standing in the hot chocking exhaust gases that rush into your face. i feel trapped by the endless walls of flats that surround this small patch of grass. I want big rolling hills, fresh and lush green forests, clean and crisp, moist and dewy, earthy and cool air...i want the breathe the smell of fresh crushed leaves. or even the smell of the mud, especially after the rain. It mustn't have been that long ago...cos those sensations seem so well imprinted in my mind...and it makes me sad, and disappointed. because i cannot find them back.
i'm going around the world when i have my money. I'm going to see as much of nature as this world can hold at this time...i want to experience everything before they are gone... i want to live that kind of life... and i'm going to find it back, one day.
that aside. well. i was wondering also, if my inclination to romance stories is a healthy pasttime... well..simply because romance novels are so brainless and totally emotional, i think i kind of get really lazy to read thoughful and subtle novels. Not that i don't like them, but the more i like a story, the longer i take. and i am kind of impatient to overwhelm myself with feelings so soon, that i can't find the desire to continue with the novels. because they take too much brain and too much time. i want more, and i want it now... it's not that i don't like romance, it's just ...well, as i said. emotionally good, but mentally.... well, it's more or less tresh. (apart from some who write really good dialogues...)
and i keep worrying if it's even healthy to indulge myself so much in such fantastical worlds. of ladies, (and ladies who cannot be called ladies), pirates, and rakes. it's fun. but...i keep wondering if i'm trying to escape into such fantasies because i can't find love in my life. I hope it's not...i mean, i don't even think i am....but one wonders sometimes, why do i like them. I think i feel too much. like, crying and laughing with books (TALKING ABOUT LAUGHING, terry pratchett is wonderful! that wry humour and wit... i was laughing on the MRT, bet ple though i was crazy..carrying 8 books in a plastic bag too....) I read once before that sometimes, people use books to live their fantasies (that part i don't deny, i think it's true), but they say it's easy to get addicted to such things in order to fulfil your insecurities and desires that dont' get fulfilled in true life.... (well..when they put it that way, may be it's true too...) and they say, it has a potential to destroy your life if the addiction doesn't get cured...
so am i addicted and needing help? i don't know...i thought it was just a simple matter of enjoying romance. but the way they put it... well, in a way, it is truly disrupting my life, because i swallow them so fast and so much that i don't have time to do any homework nor feel like doing anything else. And i'm not reading very useful books, because once i pick up a romance, i don't feel like putting it down until i finish it....so....they define an addiction as when the habit causes a disruption to your life, leading you to be unable to control yourself and stop doing the thing.... so .... well...i don't know. Actually, i was kind of worried, cos that made me sound like some pervert addicted to romance and to finding the right guy, not to mention all those seduction stuff... (which, truly truly comes alive in books...cos i don't know why, i really feel too much. Some good authors...(read: Judith Mcnaught, and many more actually) make me cry and sob and break my heart and put it back all together again, all in the length of a book... but now i keep wondering if i should be guilty for that, and if i should be doing something more worthwhile with my time...does it have the potential to destroy my rational mind as they warned?)
well, today in library, in order to just see what kind of ple are reading romances (whether it is the old maids and spinsterish not-so-good looking ladies ....), i discreetly observed quite a lot of ple. and conclusion....well... not a very good one. SINGLE, NOT VERY GOOD LOOKING, VERY GUILTY LOOKING, SOME OLD, MANY NOT MARRIED, ladies were reading them. Hell, doesn't sound very hopeful for my future does it, if romance readers can be classified under a cohesive group. Frequency of undesirable trait among them seems high.... and some romance (or so called romance books) are truly truly fancinating sex scenes guised under some excuse of a plot...well...you can call almost them porn... i think. don't know if it's soft or hardcore, cos don't really know what to extremes pornography exist in...but i'm sure those must be pretty unhealthy alright. But u know the thing about fascination... you r really tempted to read on...it's so out of your mind stuff....
even books that are true blue romantic ones, well, i keep wondering if they are going to create an illusion that can never be achieved in real life, because in books, it's like in 100% of the books, the nearly impossible can happen. Pirates and robbers who steal and rob and treat women so casually can become good overnight. casanovas can kiss u and don leave you...(and i always found it very unfair why is it that the ideal hero is one who is so so experienced and the heroine must always be a total cluess innocent... but somehow, it just happens that my favourite characters tend to fall in this group too... no idea why, must try to find out someday why does the female mind/heart works that way. I mean, i tried reading one book when the case was totally reversed, but it doesn't work. i just couln't like it. actually, i might have some idea, now that i think of it. cos i'm an innocent too in that sense. i think you like to be able to feel for that charater, and you can't feel as deeply for what you haven't experienced....and oh...rakes are just oh so devastating...)
oh well, i better stop. must cook. next time then
Posted at 06:02 pm by indepth
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Monday, October 31, 2005
upon reflection - the wisdom of hindsight
Must acknowlege first, "the wisdom of hindsight" is the title of an chapter in an exceptional book by Richard Dawkins.
oh well, i was reading thru my previous entry. i sounded like a royal little fool don't i. i guess it's like reading a book and crying at the storyline, i was reading my memories, and it all seems to flow into me all over again. =) No. i don't like him now. (at least i don't think i do...actually i can be pretty confident of it) but. it's just like they say. a girl will never forget her crush. i won't. i liked the feeling of being attracted to someone actually. Makes ur heart goes all strange inside. Makes u do stupid thing...and oh..it's such a wonderful, bursting with life (i would have said youthful, but that would make it age-ist) feeling. It's like u have a personal thunderstorm in your heart. WIth all the lightnings and rolling thunders and stormy stormy weather. Emotionally charged. Pity it's not a feeling you can call and keep at will. =) and anyway, artistic license, as i said. so sue me. (Acutally, i didn't think it was a very good piece of writing. too childish, too self pitying, too self centered - and don't ask me if it was fiction. Every piece of writing is 10% fiction and 90% emotions. it was a 20 min compliation of a 3 years crush. end of story.)
i seem to be writing a lot don't i. well, nice. i like it. it tells me things about myself i don't know.
but i dont' know why, i don't seem to talk a lot about what's happening around me. Just about what's happening inside me. I was reading thru, and it's like any stranger can read and understand, but my if you want to know where i live, what i do and so on, there's no clue from anywhere. I'm kind of wondering if i'm too absorbed in my little world. Today, i officially challeng myself. for a day, to spend the day observing every little thing that happens around me. And ask and question. Tonight or tmr, i'll write down what i've discovered. Why? Cos i read Xin Ying's entries. And sometimes, i want to read something that is not only about how i feel, but also about how i see things around me...
so long then, signing off.
i miss my mum
Posted at 08:36 am by indepth
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Sunday, October 30, 2005
ranting ranting and more ranting
God. i don't even know myself.
did i write that
do i still feel that way
it's like wearing your heart on your sleeves
and now i really really hope to go sleevless
i guess i'm in a mood
comes and goes
but...
oh man.
i hate myself
for being that transparent
for not letting go
for liking you
even knowing the kind of person u r
... not the kind that i would have wanted myself to like
too fickle.
too insensitive.
so damn insensitive.
and not even good looking too.
i mean. i don't think i like u now
i can't be...
it's stupid
and it's perverse
to keep dragging ur name in
stupid stupid me
i was just looking for inspiration for a poem
and i had to go digging the skeletons i buried
and suddenly, i just had to write
to get it out of my system
the more i wrote
the more i remembered
oh i remember what u said about the most romantic thing that u wished to do
so close yet so far.
i hope u don't see this
you shouldn't
no reason to
even if u did
artistic freedom
i was just trying to write a poem
a goddamn poem
that's all
i'm not the girl
that i once was
call me cynical
i don't care
i don't live for no man's love
it's my life
and if i like u once
i acknowlege it
i accept it
it was just a part of growing up
and i...
i like to think i've grown up
grown past that stage
you needed to be there
at some point
to teach me something about myself
about life
i learnt.
now i move on.
i live
it was just for a goddamn poem
and i still haven't have that poem yet.
Posted at 09:12 pm by indepth
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